This post is dedicated to a client whom I deeply respect.
This bright and graceful woman has been moving determinedly (and, in my view, very bravely) forward. She has been striving to trust that the future can be better than the past, and that she has the ability to make it so. I admire her, and have no doubt of her abilities. But, like we all do at times, lately she has had trouble seeing herself in the positive light that she deserves.
My hope is to help her in this process, and in a recent conversation I introduced the idea of getting past the swamp. I posed a question she said she found useful:
Is it possible you are already past the point of no return, that it would actually be harder to go back than to push forward to the other side?
We explored the metaphor, and determined that the path behind (and the shore you’ve left there) probably looks appealing in a way, just because it’s familiar. We feel a little less uncomfortable with that direction – even though the waters are hard and treacherous – because because we’ve seen it before.
By contrast, the water in front of us is unsure. We don’t know if it’s deep, or dark, or cold. Maybe it’s got sharks swimming in it, or an overwhelming undertow we fear will take us down. The familiar suffering versus the risky path to a better future... it’s too easy to back out.
It reminds me of a statistic I once heard: more PhD students drop out in their final year than at any point before that. Having felt the crushing pressure of pushing through to the finish line of a PhD thesis, I think I understand it. The last bit is a shorter burst, but a tougher go. It’s frantic, with heavy currents. It requires you to do your strongest swimming. But, on the whole, it’s definitely worth it to press forward through the hardest part. The reward is great, and frankly it’s a quicker journey than heading backwards.
We humans tend to backtrack, though (at least at one point or another). We talk ourselves into the familiar, self-defeating path. We talk ourselves into staying with the known. There’s a whole bunch of ways we return to our old, known habits, and limit ourselves:
- Going back to a pattern of addiction, after we’ve already moved through the detox and withdrawal phase and clocked some decent recovery time.
- Changing jobs, but going back into something that doesn’t bring any meaning or fulfillment.
- Getting back together with an ex we weren’t happy with.
- Going off meds that actually helped, in order to self-sabotage and limit ourselves (or, in a stroke of incomplete reasoning, because we’re feeling better…).
- Avoiding risks because we’re scared of failing.
- Bailing on therapy when it gets hard, even though it’s already been hard to get to the point where it starts making an actual difference.
It Is Through Belief That We Hold Ourselves Back
The belief that we can’t handle it, that we’ll be swallowed up by the swamp.
This belief makes us give up.
So, what is the inverse of this self-defeating belief? I’d like to say optimism–a strong and abiding belief that things will work out, that we’ll get it right, that we’ll prevail. I’d like to say that, but I’m not quite sure. I have a hunch that sometimes optimism is in short supply, and it’s hard to see things working out. But you do have to keep trying, if you’re ever going to get there. And if you’re past the point of no return, you’ll drown on your way back anyways. You might as well push forward.
The inverse of self-defeat is determination, and perseverance. It’s rooted in faith that you can be successful. Not knowledge that you will be successful. But knowledge that you can’t succeed if you don’t try.
It comes back to that often, in therapy. The fact that if you do nothing, nothing will change. I’m empathetic to the mental obstacles at play. After all, the mind is a tricky thing. So it often bargains with you, rationalizes with you, trying to hold you back. It deceives you, telling you you’re not ready, that some sort of condition must be met, which will make you feel comfortable, before you take actual action. But the truth is that ‘readiness’ is usually a myth. Most often, progress (progress in the sense of being UNstuck) requires an uncomfortable application of effort.
Be uncertain and uncomfortable – and do it anyway.